National Neko Affairs
by superpants
Summary: England and Romania *accidentally* turn Greece into a cat. Meanwhile, Norway is f.a.c.e. palming. A lot. Anyway, since one nation is a cat, all of them magically turn into cats. This is gonna be interesting. ALSO - my bestie told me to "make sure to put that this is pure crack in the description. It describes this almost perfectly X3" so... THIS IS PURE CRACK!
1. Chapter One

Greece had to be in heaven. He just _had_ to be. How on _Earth_ could he be a cat?

Maybe Japan had done it. After all, he _was_ a high tech country, wasn't he? And they were _very_ good friends, right? Or maybe it was England.

Greece was starting to rethink what his heaven was.

It was when he heard a distant "THAT JERK!" that Greece realized that, yep, he was _definitely_ rethinking his heaven.

Of course, poor little Dovekit heard that distant "THAT JERK!" too.

 _At ThunderClan Camp…_

Seriously, how hard was it to get any sleep around here? Dovekit didn't understand how every other cat managed. Didn't they hear that yell? And what was a "jerk," anyway? Maybe she'd ask Ivykit or Whitewing tomo – er, later.

 _Back to Unknown Location…_

"What the (censored for the good of America) was _THAT?"_ Of course, Greece _had_ to be with Romano. By the way, in case you were wondering, Greece's new heaven was being cuddled by his loyal soldiers, buried by them, as he slept. On Picto, where there was peace.

Wait.. would that even work?

"Prease do not use that ranguage," came a familiar voice/accent. OMG – _JAPAN WAS HERE?!_

Greece proceeded to glomp the Asian nation.

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Sorry this chapter was so short! I'm happy :3 I've been wanting to write a hetalia fanfic for a looooong time... aka since I joined the fandom. sort of. maybe. hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it! :D


	2. Chapter Two

Sealand was annoyed. No, that wasn't the right word – Sealand was _infuriated_. England usually annoyed the micron – _COUNTRY_ , DANGIT! – but this time, he had gone too far. Did Jerk Master Jerk Of All Jerks _seriously_ think he could turn the great Sea-kun into a _CAT?!_ What a _jerk._

"..Sealand? Are you okay?" Huh? What did the great Sea-kun hear? Someone whispering? And why were those words so tiny? (AFN: SEALAND! Stop breaking the fourth wall!)

So, of course, doing the most gentleman-like thing to do (as Jerk Master Jerk Of All Jerks had taught him), he turned around. "Oh! Canada! How long have you been there?"

"I was here the whole time, Sealand."

"Who are you?"

"I'm Canada, the one who feeds you, and gives you a home, and holds you all the time."

Well, _this_ sure was depressing.

"Who am I?"

 _On the Other Side Of The World…_

Norway was f.a.c.e. palming. A lot. There was _so_ much to f.a.c.e. palm about right now. Just so much.

It was almost painful. _Almost._

 _Back to Unknown Location… Wait… Is It Really Unknown If We Know The Last Place Was On The Other Side Of The World?..._

"You are Kumahoser, the one who is fed by me, and given a home by me, and held all the time by me."

 ***SLAP***

Please excuse us while we work on fixing the technical difficulties.

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aaaagghhh! I am SO sorry that all the chapters are really short. oh well... and if you were wondering about the tiny letters thing, whenever Canada is talking in both my notebook and word, the letters are tiny. sadly it doesn't change on fanfiction... So just use your imagination, k? And, the AFN: author's friend's note. because mah bff said that as I was writing it, sooo... And, finally, if you were confused, Mr. Kumajiro was the one saying "Who are you" and "Who am I" and he slapped Canada because he called him Kumahoser. Weeeelll, ciao for now~


	3. Chapter Three

_~Le Time Skip Brought to you by Tony The Alien, for all of your Extraterrestrial Needs~_

Also, _In ThunderClan…_

Brambleclaw, Graystripe, Lionblaze and Holy Roman Empire – wait, what? Let's try that again. Brambleclaw, Graystripe, Lionblaze and _Squirrelflight_ were just on the dawn patrol. Completely ordinary, right? Wrong. Well, I guess it _was_ pretty normal… Until they found the Allies, at least…

"Wait." The three other cats looked up at their deputy as his tail raised.

"What is it, Brambleclaw?" said cat's special frie – er, _Squirrelflight,_ asked in alarm.

"Do you smell that?"

"Intruders!" Lionblaze hissed.

"They smell like Twolegplace," a certain grey tom observed. "Could they be kittypets?"

"Whoah, wassup, dudes?" a strange sounding laugh came. "You look, like, totally _rockin'_!"

"Oh, shut up, you bloody git," came another strange sounding voice. _Bloody?_ all the ThunderClan cats were thinking. Now _that_ was one scent they weren't smelling. And what in the name of StarClan was a "git?"

"Western nations are so immature aru," said yet another strange voice. The ThunderClan cats were confused beyond confusion.

Finally, the intruders stepped into view. There was an eager looking yellow cat with blue eyes, a _huge_ amount of greyish fur around his neck, and strange marking below his eyes that had the same color as mane. Behind him was another tom – as a matter of fact, they were all toms – who was saying, "America, you bloody git, get back here!" This cat was white with green eyes, although about half of his face was brown, his ears were folded down, and _this_ cat had strange markings _above_ his eyes. The next cat to come out was a black one, still muttering about western nations being immature. What was an "aru," anyway?

Next to the "aru" cat was a giant grey tom who looked more like a puffball than anything. He was smiling cutely and looked innocent and happy, but he gave off a vibe that made all of the ThunderClan cats back away immediately. Even the black cat looked terrified that he was next to him. Wait, no, scratch that – _all_ the strange cats looked terrified to be with him.

Last of all was a longhair – not as nearly as much as the scary one, though – white cat with one eye closed and some red flower in his mouth. This tom was complaining: "I'm far too gorgeous to be a cat, how-" The white cat was interrupted by two things. First of all, the cat with lines above his eyes said, "I'm far too gorgeous- shut up, you cheesy monkey!"

"This is all your fault, black sheep of Europe!"

"I told you not to-" Well, at least they had names now. Anyway, Cheesy Monkey suddenly spotted Squirrelflight, the poor thing, and ran up to her. In the background, Black Sheep Of Europe, who had quite a long name, brought his paw to his face. Why in the name of StarClan would he do that? Brambleclaw didn't know it was possible to be so confused, and he was the deputy, for StarClan's sake!

By the way, Squirrelflight was Cheesy Monkey's second interruption.

"Why, _bonjour là_ , magnifique," Cheesy Monkey said to poor, poor Squirrelflight, who decided to stop keeping track of her confusion. "It's a lovely day, isn't it?"

"Um… yes?"

"Come with me, mademoiselle… We-"

"BLOODY GIT!" Suddenly, Black Sheep Of Europe slammed into Cheesy Monkey. Brambleclaw turned to Squirrelflight, who was _very_ shaken, while Graystripe walked over to the black cat. He had to agree with him when he once again said: "Western nations are so immature aru!" Although, he still didn't know what an "aru" was.

* * *

bonjour là, magnifique: hello there, gorgeous

WOOOO, long chapter! at least, more normal sized. This chapter was really fun to write. I could hear France's and England's voices in my head while they argued xD I got a lot done today in my notebook, at least it felt like a lot, so I just have to type it into word and then there shall be new chappies. so, first of all, I have a warning for the next chapter: the UK decided to show up in my story and start cussing. aaaaand, second of all, I'd like to clarify a few things. I mean, no one's really asked, but just making sure. first of all, all of the nations who magically turn into cats magically appear in thunderclan territory. poor thunderclan lol... and also, this is obvs during the time dovewing is a kit, and also, I'll list the groups that the countries magically appear with.

Germany, Japan, Italy, Romano, Prussia, Greece

America, England, France, Russia, China

Sealand, Canada

Romania, Norway

So basically, when they all magically appeared, Sealand was with Canada, America was with England, France, Russia, and China, etc.

pretty sure that's it so bai~


	4. Chapter Four

_~Le Time Rewind brought to you by Evil Kermit Substitute, because we all forgot his Name~_

When Norway was done f.a.c.e. palming, he opened his eyes. What he saw made him f.a.c.e. palm some more, and Romania groaned.

Norway simply couldn't express his anger and exasperation, not even by f.a.c.e. palming. And when f.a.c.e. palming simply can't express one's anger and exasperation, one must have a very, _very_ valid reason for anger and exasperation. Perhaps even more than valid. Yes, more than valid. I, as the author, believe explanations are in order.

England and Romania had been causing trouble as usual ("We were trying to prevent our spoons from ever being bent again, honestly, we were, bloody hell!") and turned Greece into a cat ("ACCIDENTALLY, bloody hell!"), and the UK decided to show up in my story and start cussing ("There's nothing wrong with that, bloody hell!"). Don't you think there's something horribly wrong with that? Now I'm going to have to change the rating ("Why the bloody hell does everyone think they can just blame everything on me?!") I do feel sorry for him – everyone blames everything on him – but this time it really _is_ his fault ("Bloody hell, I'm leaving."). Wait… Is that-? Ah, yes, he's taking his leave now, thank the English gods. Now I can get back to my story!

When Norway opened his eyes, he was about to scream, "THAT JERK!" but as he gathered the breath to do so, a certain metal fort beat him to it.

The Nordic nation made a mental note to thank whoever had stolen the words out of his mouth later.

"MY FANGS! NOOO MY FANGS! MY BABIES, NOT THE FANGS WHYYY?!"

Norway f.a.c.e. palmed at his fellow magic nation's stupidity.

Also, let's all take a moment to mourn the loss of Dovekit's sanity.

 _At ThunderClan Camp…_

Jayfeather couldn't see, so he wasn't as concerned as the other cats. But from the noise and the things others were saying, Jayfeather was pretty concerned.

The blind tom _almost_ cringed as Dovekit let out another outburst. "OH YES, WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE, THE FANGS, OH YES, THEY'RE YOUR BABIES, THE FANGS, THE FANGS, THE FANGS OH NO!"

"It must be the lack of water," came a familiar voice. Firestar. Leafpool had told Jayfeather that Firestar was the only cat who truly wasn't angered; Graystripe was trying to follow his friend and leader's reasoning. Lioblaze, however, was drop dead _irritated._

"WE ALL ARE SUFFERING FROM A LACK OF WATER," the golden tom seethed. "ARE ANY OF US SCREAMING ABOUT BABY FANGS?!"

Whitewing, who was trying to calm her kit, said "She's only a few moons old. You can't blame her.

Lionblaze, of course, retaliated. "IVYKIT'S THE SAME AGE, AND SHE'S ACTING NORMALLY!" Said kit proudly puffed out her chest.

Brambleclaw had had _enough._ "EVERYONE STOP ARGUING!"

~Le Time Skip brought to you by Mr. Kumajiro, if ever Santa Claus Disappears~

"What are you doing in our territory?" Graystripe asked the black cat. He was right about the immature thing, but come on, he was still a terrorist- I mean intruder!

"Territory? What do you mean aru?" His eyes widened and he looked quite surprised.

"Did you not notice the border marks?" Graystripe unsheathed his claws, but quickly sheathed them again when the giant scary tom came over.

"Become one with Mother Russia, da?" …Oh StarClan, he was scary. But, hey, at least they had 3/5 of the names! Well, maybe that cat with the mane was Bloody Git. What a strange name. Oh, wait, hadn't Black Sheep Of Europe called him America? Do cats even know fractions? What is life, anyway?

* * *

I don't have anything really to say right now so, hope you enjoyed the UK showing up in my story and cussing xD bye~


	5. Chapter Five

"Germany, Germany, I want pastaaa~!" The grey be-scarfed (AN: woo! Inventing new words since always) tom sighed and looked at his bruder in a silent plea for help, but he was talking and laughing about some immature thing or another with Gilbird.

"Italy, we're _cats_ , I'm sorry but I don't think you'll be eating pasta anytime soo-" Germany was interrupted by both Italy's crying and Japan moaning in distress.

"Sarted… Mackerer…"

Germany sighed again. "Japan, I'm sure ve can find jou some mackerel."

"But what about sart?!" The Japanese nation – er, _cat_ – leaped over to his ally and desperately clinged onto him as if for dear life. I guess you could say Japan was clinging onto Germany for dear "sarted mackerer." "WHY – MY – MY SARTED MACKERER MY TREASURE NO!"

I'm not even going to bother going to ThunderClan camp to show you poor Dovekit's distress. I don't want to bum you out. In other words, I'm too lazy and tired right now. So I think I'm just going to end this pitifully short chapter right here and keep you all waiting. Not that there's anyone waiting, anyway.

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I am so, so, SO sorry for the pitifully short chapter. oh my god it's horribly short... I really don't understand because on paper it's like a half a page bigger than the first chapter, but on word and fanfiction it's like half a page smaller... I'm really sorry. but I have an excuse, I swear! my dad kind of surprised us this morning with a house, he bought it and didn't tell us... xD so I was helping his special friend with the bathroom earlier and other moving stuff you know and now I'm just EXHAUSTED. so so so sorry... also! my loyal bestie reviewed... I may or may not have totally flipped when I saw _reviews_ next to my story lol... soooooo first review reply cuz I feel like it :3

Alexis the love killer

I still don't understand why you have to be the love killer. or why you must always change your name randomly. but anyway, yes I did quite a bit today and yesterday xD I put "pure crack" in la description, and I'm just gonna pretend I know EXACTLY what that means... hehe...


	6. Chapter Six

"The great Sea-kun shall go on a great cat adventure all by himself!" Sealand was _so_ excited. Jerk Master Jerk Of All Jerks wasn't here!

"What about me?"

"Huh?" The micro… okay, okay, okay. The fort- the _COUNTRY_ turned around and found a light cream cat with a darker, puffier mane and tail, and a curl sticking out of his head, sitting there. He was holding some albino panda bear thing. "Oh! Canada! When did you get here?"

"I've been here all this time, don't you remember? You've been sleeping for a while."

"Well, the great Sea-kun needs his rest. Come on, let's go!"

"Who are you?"

"I'm Canada." The North American country-cat nation-neko thing (AN: OMG! I'm amazing, just admit it) knew better this time. He was still recovering from the slap. He remembered it with a shudder.

 _~Le Time Skip brought to you by Antisocial Anna, who is Afraid To Look At You~_

Sealand that other guy – what was his name again? Canadia or something? – had been walking around for quite a while when they came across a quarry. "I wonder what that is, Kumajojo," Canadia sai- meowed.

"Who are you?"

"I'm Canada," the near invisible cat repeated. Oh. Canada? Close enough.

"Come on, let's go check it out!" Sealand mewed excitedly, and ran around the Cliffside until he came across an empty patch in all of the thorns.

" _Canadia,_ come look at _this_!"

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I'm sorry. I think I am physically unable to write normal sized chapters. it was late and my dad was like VIVIAN ITS LATE TIME TO GO and I wanted to finish it. sorry for the short chapters and lame excuses :3 aaaaand yet another review reply cu _z_ I feel like it :3

 _Alexis the love killer_

Yes this is pure randomness. I have finally figured it out! I can write fluff and crack. I can _not_ develop plot. yay. have fun murdering love :c


	7. Chapter Seven

You can only imagine the ThunderClan dawn patrol's shock when they arrived at their camp with five strange cats, to see two more strange cats looking in on their camp through the bramble tunnel. What in the name of StarClan?

"SEALAND WHAT THE BLOODY _HELL_ ARE YOU DOING HERE YOU BLOODY GIT?!" Black Sheep Of Europe screamed upon spotting the cats.

" _NOOO!_ " A white cat who actually looked like Black Sheep Of Europe – he had the half brown face, although it was a lighter brown and his puffy tail was that same color as well – turned around and some odd red mark appeared below his ears. "JERK MASTER JERK OF ALL JERKS IS HERE!" Brambleclaw had two questions. One, what was a "jerk?" Two, wasn't his name Black Sheep Of Europe?

The two cats – they looked so similar, were they related? – immediately rushed at each other and clawed at each other. Then Cheesy Monkey ran over – Thank StarClan he's going to help, the ThunderClan cats thought – but they were wrong, as be started attacking Black Sheep Of Europe. Cheesy Monkey and "Sealand" started gaining up on Black Sheep of Europe (AN: OMG new ship! Frealand forever 33 maybe… okay I don't ship it. New ship tho!). The ThunderClan cats froze, unsure of what to do as yowels raised around them, until Firestar came out of the tunnel.

"What is g- oh, my…" the ginger tom trailed off as he saw not only intruders, but intruders seemingly trying to kill one another. "Stop this nonsense!"

The three fighting (AN: heh… three…) suddenly jumped in unison and meowed, "Germany?"

Black Sheep Of Europe turned to his smaller counterpart and scolded/smacked him. "That's _our_ thing, you git!"

Firestar wasn't entirely sure of what was going on at the moment. None of the Clan cats did, really. Did they just call him "Germany?"

At that moment, the actual Germany walked into the scene. Along with Italy, Japan, Romano, Prussia, and Greece. The Clan cats didn't know any of this, however. They only knew that they were starting to get annoyed.

Some of the other ThunderClan cats were starting to exit the camp and try to grasp some idea of whatever in the name of StarClan was going on. Unfortunately for them, the only thing they were really able to grasp was the contagious confusion tingling in the brains of the cats they were familiar with around them.

"Firestar, we suddenly have so many intruders," Sergeant Deputy Sir Madam Brambleclaw mewed in distress. "First we found those five in our territory, then those two at the camp, and now these five are here!"

"Ve~ Firestar, what a funny name~" meowed a certain white and ginger tom with a curl sticking out of the left side of his head. "Germany, do you remember when _we_ wished on a shooting star?"

 _On the Other Side Of The World…_

"Hungary, calm down! You're going to ruin my property!"

The (mentioned above) female nation simply ignored Austria and continued insanely running around and squealing. Her ship-o-meter was going insane!

Austria just f.a.c.e. palmed and continued patching Germany's boxers.

 _Back to ThunderClan Camp…_

"Yes, Italy, I vemember," the grey tom grunted. "But zhat is of little importance vight now."

"How _dare_ you insult my head, you bloody _git_ , 'of little importance,' my _head_ , you say-"

" _EVERYONE SHUT UP!_ " Germany screamed.

"Germany?" This time, only France's and England's meows sounded. Sealand knew better, but it was _so_ hard to resist.

The be-scarfed tom sighed and turned to this so-called 'Firestar.' "We are sorry for intruding your territory," he apologized. "We didn't realize."

The grey cat standing next to Firestar, a.k.a. Graystripe, growled. "Do you mean to say that our border marks-"

"Again with those border marks aru! Also, western nations are so ma- I mean immature aru!" Many of the Clan cats gave China a bizarre look.

"I believe I must speak with one of you," Firestar meowed calmly.

"You don't say," Graystripe muttered.

"Dudes, I'm the hero!"

"I vill go," Germany announced.

Firestar nodded and beckoned to the bramble tunnel with his tail.

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Could this... m... EH!? TWO PAGES?! so proud of myself lol xD and I'm really sorry for the long wait... I moved and I didn't have my notebook and then school happened so it took like a week :3 sorry! im insane. apologizing when im pretty sure no one except mah loyal friend even reads? merci mon ami xD I felt really bad cuz usually im like one of the only peeps to update but this time... yeah... im just gonna go o.O


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